KEN July column: On a Serious note with BMJ Muriithi
He would be happy to read though, that his son wiyathi (Uhuru) , is the Minister for Finance. Then his attention would be caught by a faded copy of a newspaper with the headline, “I have only one wife, says President”. Jomo would then quickly grab his flywhisk and a bakora (a walking cane-cum-whip) and head towards the house on the hill. While there, the old man would declare that he is in the mood of whopping someone’s bottom. The guy whose bottom would be whopped is not a young man, but compared to the age that Mzee Kenyatta would be today, the son of Kibaki would look like a toddler. p
After telling the secretary that he urgently wishes to speak to the president, Kenyatta would start pacing up and down in the lobby, occasionally swinging his trademark flywhisk. Kibaki would walk in his characteristic slow gait towards the lobby, ready to meet with this unexpected guest. “Son of Kibaki”, Jomo would say, “I am very disappointed in you.? Do you not remember that besides Uhuru’s mother, I had Wahu, Wanjiku and Edna? Did you see me call press conferences over such an insignificant matter?”
“Lakini hata wewe mzee ukiwa pale pale kaburini ulijua Lucy wangu ni mkali. Yeye ndiye alinilazimisha kusema maneno hiyo… (but while you were in your grave, you also knew that Lucy is very tough. She forced me to utter those words…)”, Kibaki would attempt to explain. Silence would follow after which the son of Ngengi would size Baba Jimmy up and ask, “Son of Kibaki, what happened? What did they do to you? Why is your speech slurred?
Emilio would tell him about the 2002 road accident. Kenyatta would show signs of empathy but his booming voice would suggest otherwise, “That’s not a good reason”.
Why are you so indecisive? Why can’t you stamp your authority? Why is there so much corruption, insecurity, unemployment, economic recession, extrajudicial killings, famine, ? Before he would answer the first question,the son of Ngengi would ask him four more questions; “And is it true what I hear? Is it true that there is a Kirinyaga woman who has been challenging you in public? Is it true that she resigned before you could fire her? How do you expect to be respected?”
“It is true mzee. I am like a toothless bulldog. Martha Karua knows I am on my last leg. Besides, my hands are tied.” “By who?” Kenyatta’s voice wou ld boom. Just then, some footsteps would be heard as one Raila Amolo Odinga would walk in. Kibaki would point at Raila saying, “by him”.
A brief tablieu would ensue as Raila would be trying to compose himself. He would tell himself that this reincarnation of Mzee Kenyatta is nothing compared to the ghosts he saw during his detention at Nyayo House. “You see, we entered into this marriage of convenience called The Grand Coalition. But honestly mzee, between you and me, I don’t think it is working”, Kibaki would whisper.
His eyes turning red with ire, Mzee Kenyatta would pull Kibaki and Raila together and start whopping them with his bakora. While doing so, he would be muttering things to the effect that the only coalition he knew was that of Gikuyu Embu and Meru (GEMA). He would call Kibaki an embarrassment and Raila a traitor. Just then, prompted by the commotion, Lucy would walk in. “Ithe wa Wiyathi (father of independence), she would say, Niki urenda kunjuragira muthuri na ni uui tioneki (why do you want to kill my husband yet you very well know that husbands are not easy to come by)?
Just then, one Kalonzo Musyoka would walk in. Upon seeing Mzee Kenyatta, the born again Vice president would utter the word “Ishindwe!and collapse immediately. Kibaki and Raila would take advantage of the ensuing commotion and run helter-skelter towards the nearby arboretum where they would temporarily shelf their differences and in concerted effort nurse their wounds. Meanwhile, back at the State House, Lucy would be reading the Riot Act to the son of Ngengi. She would tell him that in case he had not heard, she is on record as having slapped three grown up men and that she was in the mood of adding a fourth one. Scared of the prospect of being slapped by a woman, Jomo would sprint back to his mausoleum and continue resting. Before crawling back, he would swear never to resurrect again.
