I am sitting at my desk in the middle of a workday. I notice that my phone is blinking. I have a text message from Jackie – pls pk up a copy of the Vogue with Michelle Obama on the cover. In Hong Kong – can’t seem to find it. I respond – sure – Jackie writes back – never mind, I found it. I respond – stop stalking Michelle Obama lol – she responds – I can’t help myself lol…
I admit it! I am one of the millions of women responsible for cyber stalking, audio stalking, visual stalking, and print stalking Michelle Obama. We are following her every move. We want to know what she did, where she went, what she said, what she’s wearing, how she looks – anything she does in print, on TV, on the web – anywhere she is – we are… Something about Michelle Obama is extremely interesting to me and my friends. We defend her, we analyze her hair, is it a weave? Is it not a weave? She took the weave down. Either she’s not aware that it’s winter in Washington, or Chicago is extremely cold. We love the dress, we hate the dress, we love the shoes, we hate the shoes…and those arms..I am sure you get the point. We are obsessed.
Third Grade – Karen C Primary School – 1979
I am in Mrs. Karanja’s class. I am 8 and sitting at a table that is reserved for the smartest kids in the class. At least that’s what I think. I placed 2nd this term, and I am happy about it, but I am not sure how Martin who is sitting right next to me got to be first. That’s ok though because Martin may be first, and I am second but everyone between 2nd and 9th place is a girl. Phillip is 10th. Hmm…There are more girls on this list - That makes the girls smarter than the boys. I think about it for a minute and then I blurt out…”Girls are clever than boys!” Martin and Phillip stop and glare at me. They give me the look, and I know what that look is about. 1979 was 30 years ago so I don’t really remember what they said after that, but who cares. The war had officially begun.
Primary School
Somewhere along the way, I dropped off the radar. Slowly and surely, I got caught up in the popularity contest of primary school and my grades fell. By 6th grade, I was no longer at the top of the class, but my parents were not really giving me as much hell as I required to get me to improve. And when they did, I ignored them. It worked because they got frustrated and they let me go. In addition, they had five other children that they needed to focus on. I don’t know what else was going on, but now that I am an adult, I am sure it must have been rough for them. By the time I realized that it was important to pick up my grades, it was time for me to take my final exam to enter high school. Fortunately for me, I breezed through and got to Kenya High School with the second round of selections in a technicality that probably saved my life.
Lost - In a Sea of Girls
My struggle to find myself was full force in high school. I struggled to find my place in this sea of girls, all of whom were being encouraged to achieve. I knew I was smart, but just couldn’t seem to find my footing. In addition, I had poor study skills and needed hand-holding especially in the science classes. Unfortunately for me, hand-holding was not a part of the culture in my school. You were either smart or your were not. I remember wanting to do better, but just did not know how. Around this time, Indira Gandhi and Margaret Thatcher caught my attention. They were on the news every day and were the two noticeable women at the top of their careers and I admired them. Although I knew that excellence was required to achieve what they had, and that I needed to do something to change my current paradigm, I just did not know how. Despite this, something had formed in my mind that said, very few women are at the top of their professions, this male dominated system can only be changed by joining them, and somehow I have to fight to be a part of this sorority. The assassination of Indira Gandhi in 1984 only furthered my cause – oh yes, I now had a cause to become a successful woman, even though I really had no clue what that truly meant. It may have meant the hopefulness of the future – which if you ask me is good enough in a teenager’s life.
My last two years of high school were great, and I had started making decisions as to where I was headed. The decisions were however not in tandem with my actions. I was setting lofty goals but the goals did not have any substance. They were a figment of my imagination and although attainable, I still needed the hand-holding which was clearly missing from my life. It’s easy to pinpoint what was missing, but now when I think about it, I am not sure that I would have listened if a path to success had been offered to me.
College et al…
The difficulty of maintaining a life Morris Brown College changed my life. For the first time ever, I understood that it was my job to ensure that everything was in place to fulfill all the dreams of those who sent me to America. Now more than ever, I saw images of women who had truly backed up their desires for accomplishment with action. The good thing about all those desires to do well in high school is that at some point you will follow them up with deeds, and that once you see results, you tend to want more. I admit that I was tough and abrasive both at school and in my personal life, but it is now clear where this came from. I can’t say that I have regrets, but I know for sure that some of the abrasiveness was not necessary. It may have caused me a lot of relationships and prolonged the self-imposed battle, but now I realize that ignorance was bliss.
The last 11 years for me have been marred with court battles in Kenya that upheld antiquated laws to disinherit me from my father’s property because I am a woman, a failed attempt at the possibility of marriage, unnecessary politics at work as a result of my self-imposed war, dating disasters and horrible relationships with emotionally unavailable men, lots of tears, and the chipping away of my self-esteem. Although this sounds dismal, there comes a time in your life when you have to step back and examine the common denominator and one thing is certain – that common denominator is yours truly…
Yours Truly
How is it that I have been in a 30-year self-imposed war? My armor and artillery are worn out, my men are exhausted, my commander has lost his vision and everything seems futile. I am spent! With all this, I watch Michelle Obama in the news and I am fascinated by the confidence and grace that she exudes. For all intents and purposes, Michelle was Barack Obama’s boss, she made almost double his salary, is accomplished in her field, and yet, we can still say that she is an awesome mother, a dedicated and supportive wife and as graceful as women come. If you had asked me even one year ago to be a wife, mother and career woman, I would have told you that it was impossible. Although I am a product of a male dominated system, I am not sure that the method I took to combat it was always effective. I wonder what my role models Margaret Thatcher, Benazir Bhutto, Indira Gandhi, Wangari Maathai, Wambui Otieno and Joyce Aluoch would say. Nevertheless, I now know that it is possible for women to have it all. The question is how you define all, and also, whether or not you are willing to chart your own course. My war is over, I have called a truce and now it’s time for me to live…
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